I expect a commission on this, UnderArmor.

This last week has probably been the most eventful to date. In addition to my 5-day AQ (Al Qaim) run, I just got back last night from a 3-day mission at TQ (Taqqadam Airbase). The mission, while not exactly exciting, still falls under the class of "fucking cool". I was one of four Marines sent to pick up two brand-new uparmored humvees.

To a Marine, anything brand-new is always cause for excitement. Be it a new rifle, pack, or in this case, car. I mean, they had the new-car smell & everything. On top of all that, these humvees have some additional features not included in the regular package. Allow me to list them.

• BULLETPROOF EVERYTHING: The cab is one big, armored box. 3/4 inch armor covers everything but the windows & windshield. 2" and 3" bulletproof glass is present in place of said windows & windshield.
• COMMS: Each vehicle has four headsets that allow inter-vehicle communication. So the guy on top of the humvee with the .50, MK19 or M240G can talk to the driver. Or the A-Driver. Or any combination thereof. Best feature of all: If you pair the headsets up with a radio, everyone can hear radio traffic on that freq. Brennan alone will understand what I mean when I say it's exactly like Ventrilo.
• REAR WINCH: Yep. Doesn't matter how stuck you get it, your pal can pull you out. Power slides and monster jumps are now authorized.
• SWEET JESUS WE HAVE AIR CONDITIONING: By far the most popular feature. When we did the four-hour drive home last night, I actually got cold.
• BLUE FORCE TRACKER: Through the technical wizardry of GPS, commanders can keep track of any vehicle's location that has a BFT. This means Airstrikes and other forms of support can be coordinated very, very quickly. It also has the added benenfit of cutting down on fratricide, since you can check YOUR BFT to see if those vehicles a few miles away are friendly or not.

So just in case you didn't pick up on my enthusiasm, these hummers are amazing.

And as long as I'm tooting the gear-queer trumpet, I want to take a moment to say that I would gladly send my firstborn child to work the coal mines, in exchange for five underarmor shirts. Ever since the heat started picking up around here, guys have been buying them. I kept saying "$20 for an undershirt? You're smoking dope, kiddo." But one of my buddies talked me into buying one, saying that if I wasn't happy with it, he would give me $20.

So what could I do? I bought one. What does it feel like? It feels like the first time I had sex. It feels like a million fairies massaging my back everytime the wind blows. It feels like I was lost in the Sahara and I suddenly found a slurpee oasis. I have to say, they're worth every penny. And the underarmor underwear? Sweetness and light, I don't know how it's possible, but those feel even better.

I've seen & done a lot of things, but I never thought I would see the day that undergarments turned my world upside down.