Friday, April 08, 2005

Lifestyles of the Enlisted & Stupid.

I waited four days for something interesting to happen that I could post about, and still I have nothing of serious interest to report. So I thought I would go over some of the funnier stuff that's happened since I got here, that I haven't been able to post about since the internet center was down.

Misfire the Dog:

I adopted a cute little puppy only a few weeks old on one of my convoys, and named her Misfire. She lived outside in one of the gardens by our barracks, and probably would have spent the rest of the deployment with us, were it not for one small problem she had: Crying out when left alone.

Unfortunately, when the Staff & Officers found out, they freaked out. "Get rid of that thing, it'll give you diseases!" They know this because of the many well-documented cases of Bubonic Plague, Syphillis, and Alzheimer's Disease that have been spread far & wide throughout the world because of lost dogs. So we (I) gave her a bath and cleaned her up. Not good enough. Eventually, someone made a phone call and tried to get the MPs to come out here, pick her up, and have her put to sleep. So I snuck her out and got her to another unit on base. A unit, I might add, that does not have goose-stepping, devil-worshipping, baby-eating staff & officers.


First made popular in colleges across America, "Antiqueing" is done by taking a handful of baby powder, and throwing it onto the face of your sleeping buddy. Antiqueing is the new teabagging. Unfortunately, this gag results in serious cases of one-upmanship, and a simple prank usually escalates into a room full of grown men wearing little more than underwear, flinging baby powder into each other's faces.

"The horror, the horror."

Taser Fun:

Somehow, a Taser has made it's way out here into the hands of jarheads. Oh, I'm sure you can envision how it all started: *Zap* "Oooh, my arm!". *Zap* "Aggh, my foot!" But for me, the most surprising thing about all of this is how quickly a $100 dollar pot was put together for someone to zap their "taint". For five seconds. On full power.

For the less cultured, the "taint" is the small space between your testicles and your asshole. Since, as the reasoning goes "'taint yer ass, an' 'taint yer balls!". As I'm sure you figured out the second I mentioned testicles, it's pretty sensitive. I'm not really sure how I can describe the sound that comes out of a grown man's mouth by about halfway through the first second. Some kind of bizzare cross between a wookie, elephant, and six year old girl. In any case, it ain't pretty.

Temporary Tattoos:

The Mervine family sent me a small packet of temporary tattoos. Since I already have so many for myself, I decided that we all needed to "ink up" the new guys. So now we've got a bunch of guys with butterflies on their asses, unicorns on their chest, cupid firing arrows on their's pretty good. I decided to get in on the fun and put a pair of lips on my pelvis. Classy. That's me.


It's getting hotter & the vipers are coming out again. A lot of people are freaked out by them, and rightly so. After all, they're venemous and can kill you. But what a lot of people don't know, is that you can turn a snake into a great gag, once you take off it's head. Once that's gone, there are any number of things you can do with it. Place it's body in the port-a-john, fling it onto a buddy, the possibilities are endless, really. Unfortunately, it does start going bad after a few hours, prompting another hunt to keep the gag fresh.

And uh.. I think I've covered all the interesting/funny stuff. As soon as something interesting happens, I'll be sure to inform everyone.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. Sounds like you are competing against the Army in the Stupid Antics Olympics! I think the Army will take the gold this year. I view this as a cry for help and will send more books ASAP. I really miss you. Call when you can. XOXOXXX

9:36 AM  

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