Advice for prospective comedians
But there is something else that people do that simply has got to stop. They try to make jokes. "Doody? As in Howdy-Doody? Whoa-ho-ho-ho! I bet you get that a lot!" Or "Like Doodypants, right? Ha!" and the big military favorite: "Boy, I bet YOU sure got messed with in boot camp! Private Doody!"
So I've got advice for you prospective comedians out there. A little "joke formula", if you will. If you can think of something funny to say about a person's name, profession, horrible physical defect, etc. within five seconds, it's probably been done to death already. Going against my advice anyway means that you are little more than a catfish in the great aquarium of humor, mindlessly feasting on the waste of others and being content to do so. If that's your choice, fine. But don't get butt-hurt when I look at you like a pair of testicles just started growing out of your forehead.
My real animosity is reserved for anyone who makes one of the aforementioned, weak-ass jokes while I am in uniform. You have no excuse. It's right there on my shirt. You've got plenty of time to come up with something a little more than creative than "Is Doody on duty? Ready to do his duty?" It wasn't funny twenty years ago when my Dad was in the military, and I speak with firsthand knowledge when I say the joke isn't aging gracefully.
Of course, Officers & Staff NCOs are exempt from all of this. "Yes sir, that's a good one, sir! Never even heard it before, sir! Very clever indeed! Quite the play on words!" I just haven't the heart to tell them that in spite of all the college and the shiny little rank insignia, they still ain't got it.
This post has been brought to you by Marines For More Creative Insults, and a dipshit captain in front of the PX. Sir, if you're reading this, I just want to say thank you for inspiring this weeks post. Your ability to inspire is exceeded only by your rapier-like wit.